Humility: God’s Antidote to Quarreling
Do you find yourself in verbal battles with your children?
How do we avoid getting into quarrels with our children that are mainly about their attitudes or about why they think they are correct and we are not?
How do we avoid the "because I said so" answer, and is there ever a place for that response?
How do we help our children not engage in meaningless arguments with each other?
This article is a pre-conference teaser to discussing these concerns at the Family Leadership Conference, August 15-18. (Be sure to plan on attending the FLC to get meaningful answers to these and other challenges that you can apply at home!) We all need the big picture to help get us “above the fray” and engage in meaningful discussions with our children that point us all to Christ. That’s the purpose of the Family Leadership Conference, an opportunity to come together in a community setting where we can encourage each other in our parenting journey.
Pride: The Source of Quarrels
Quarreling is the prideful assertion of what you believe, –a debate between your views and others. It is the pursuit of truth under the guise that “right makes might”; it is mistakenly believing that winning the argument is the only measure of truth, –not living it.
Believers are called to “Preach the Word”, not their refined interpretation of it. That can lead to quarreling, and there is a huge difference between the two. Genuine humility is necessary for both the parent and the child. The Gospel cannot reach anyone who is acting in pride.
Humility is the attitude of heart that acknowledges that all Truth is God’s truth. It comes from God and needs to be received with the reverence and respect that its source demands. It’s the mindset of a servant whose exclusive goal is to understand his master’s will so as to do it.
Humility starts with the premise that God is, and that He is personally crafting every detail of your life. Your only responsibility is to receive it with thanksgiving and make the most of it because you value it, -not to resist it. (Rom 1:21; Heb 11:6)
Quarreling finds fault with one’s circumstances and the source of them, seeing no value (Rom 1:21-23). Humility receives one’s circumstances as from God, believing that they are eternally valuable (Rom 1:20).
Learning humility is the core objective of discipline and the sole means of avoiding quarreling.
Deuteronomy 8:2-3, 5 NKJV says:
“And you shall remember that the Lord your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. So He humbled you, allowed you to hunger, and fed you with manna which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you know that man shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord. You should know in your heart that as a man chastens his son, so the Lord your God chastens you.”
Chastening is the universal principle of developing humility presented in the New Testament.
Hebrews 3:7-19 NKJV says:
“Therefore, as the Holy Spirit says: “Today, if you will hear His voice, Do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion, In the day of trial in the wilderness, Where your fathers tested Me, tried Me, And saw My works forty years. Therefore I was angry with that generation, And said, ‘They always go astray in their heart, And they have not known My ways.’ So I swore in My wrath, ‘They shall not enter My rest.’ ” Beware, brethren, lest there be in any of you an evil heart of unbelief in departing from the living God; but exhort one another daily, while it is called “Today,” lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin. For we have become partakers of Christ if we hold the beginning of our confidence steadfast to the end, while it is said: “Today, if you will hear His voice, Do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion.” For who, having heard, rebelled? Indeed, was it not all who came out of Egypt, led by Moses? Now with whom was He angry forty years? Was it not with those who sinned, whose corpses fell in the wilderness? And to whom did He swear that they would not enter His rest, but to those who did not obey? So we see that they could not enter in because of unbelief.” (See also Hebrews 12:1-17; Rom 15:1-4; 1Cor 10:1-15)
This discipline must translate into self-discipline for the servants of the Lord!
2 Tim 2:22-26 MEV says:
“So flee youthful desires and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. But avoid foolish and unlearned debates, knowing that they create strife. The servant of the Lord must not quarrel, but must be gentle toward all people, able to teach, patient, in gentleness instructing those in opposition. Perhaps God will grant them repentance to know the truth, and they may escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.”
As a parent, disciplining our children is not about our view versus our child’s view! Rather, it’s about God‘s view, presented and received with the understanding that the natural view is always prone towards pride, and therefore results in sin.
The How is as Important as the What
It’s remarkable that the Scripture so clearly defines the thesis/antithesis – truth/lie paradigm in terms of how to present truth (gentle instruction) and how not to (by quarreling). Because of pride, the antithesis of a certain position (thesis) can be as faulty as the thesis if they’re both relying on the assertions of their pride.
The ability to receive and present truth comes from the humble recognition of one’s own limitations and needs, which opens one’s heart to receive truth from heaven. It is self evident, therefore, that there is always a need for clear preaching of the Word apart from quarreling, and a vigorous and unreserved running from the flesh to pursue “righteousness, faith, love, and peace”.
Furthermore, in this pursuit of truth, we are called to discern and associate ourselves with the “closed” group of those “who call on the Lord out of a pure heart”. Humanly speaking, this is a hard pursuit to achieve without quarreling. How can we do that? Once again, here’s Paul’s instructions to Timothy as a church leader in outline form:
1. Flee youthful desires.
2. Pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace,
3. Pursue … with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
4. Avoid foolish and unlearned debates, knowing that they create strife (quarrels).
5. The servant (slave) of the Lord must not quarrel, but must be
a) gentle toward all people.
b) able to teach,
c) patient,
d) in gentleness instructing those in opposition
6. Perhaps God will grant them repentance (This is where we must “let go and let God!”)
a) To know the truth,
b) And they may escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.
We hope to discuss these practical points in detail at the Family Leadership Conference this August 15-18.
Parenting: A Ministry of Reconciliation!
I recently came across the term “Reconciliation Practitioners – Facilitators” in a description of a particular counseling practice. It caught my attention because it immedilately made me think of the responsibility we have been given as parents. We have a ministry of reconciliation (not of prideful quarreling!) to our children, as servants of Jesus Christ (2 Cor. 5: 18-20). With this in mind, our Family Leadership Conference theme this year is: “Parenting: A Ministry of Reconciliation!
God has chosen the foolishness of preaching (confident proclamation, prophesying of the Word) to proclaim liberty to the captives! And that “preaching” begins in our homes, conveyed through parental nurture and admonition, with gentleness and patience (Eph. 6:4; 2 Tim.2:24). While there is a clear emphasis that the right kind of Gospel preaching is required, that preaching must be characterized by humility, not pride. For it is not the eloquence of the speaker that changes the heart of the hearer, but the moving of The Spirit of God. Otherwise, we are simply inviting a quarrel. (I Cor. 2:11)
“For after that in the wisdom of God the world by wisdom knew not God, it pleased God by the foolishness of preaching to save them that believe. (1 Cor 1:21)
No man can come to me, except the Father which hath sent me draw him: and I will raise him up at the last day.
And [again] he said, Therefore said I unto you, that no man can come unto me, except it were given unto him of my Father. (John 6:44, 65)
For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: [it is] the gift of God.” (Eph 2:8)
See you at Roxbury!